For The Love Of All That’s Decent And Holy, Do Not Go To This Concert

There are many threats we face as a nation today. Crime and drugs are rampant. Communist spies secretly live among us. And possibly worst of all, heavy metal music remains stubbornly popular. I am here to warn you that one such coven of heavy metalists will be gathering for a concert this April 20 at the Cherry Street Tavern.

If you’re like me, you may have seen this concert poster and fallen victim to the clever marketing. I like amphibians, jewelry, and vintage cargo vans as much as the next red-blooded Chattanoogan. But thanks to my research using Google.com I was able to learn that it is all a cunning ruse.

First of all, there will be no toads. This event is not a petting zoo. The name Toad Smoke has nothing to do with native amphibious creatures, but is instead a crude reference to drug use. If you ask me, there’s nothing “groovy” about that, dude.

Like me, you may have assumed the name Red Necklace referred to a pop-up jewelry store – possibly featuring handcrafted necklaces with initials etched in birthstones. I know many people who would love the chance to purchase something like that! But no, Red Necklace has nothing to do with boutique jewelry accessories. It’s just another heavy metal band! Do not be deceived!

Okay, there was no way they could fool me with the name Dope Skum. I knew something was amiss, and Internet research confirmed my suspicions. It is indeed a reference to harmful illegal drugs. Furthermore, the concert’s very date – April 20 aka 4/20 – has also been adopted as a false Christmas by these marijuana worshipers.

At the risk of sounding like a bitter old man I must pose this question: what has happened to us, my dear Chattanooga? I no longer recognize our fair city. Back in my day we scorned drug users along with drunkards, gamblers, adulterers, vegetarians, and all others who dared to live in defiance of my faith.

It was a simpler, kinder time. Boys had short hair, girls had long hair, and nobody needed full-stack amps and distortion pedals because we respected our guitar as God had created them. Brothers and sisters, friends and neighbors, I call upon you to join me in rejecting the devil in all his seductive forms. This includes toad smoking, dope skumming, or whatever deviated perversions those heathens can dream up next.

Can I get an Amen?

One again… Just to remind you so that you don’t accidentally end up at the concert, accidentally pay the $10 cover charge, and accidentally expose yourself to an orgy of heavy metal… the concert will be held on 4/20 at the Cherry Street Tavern.

If you need a wholesome alternative for the evening, I am happy to recommend the 2018 Hallmark original movie ‘The Sweetest Heart.’ It’s about a big city girl who returns to her hometown to open a cupcake bakery, only to find herself romantically torn between a handsome investment banker and a handsome cardiologist who also happens to be her childhood sweetheart.